i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So squirting runs in the family.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
