when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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