Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
