Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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