she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
A+ Viking dick
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
