Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
