I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
