Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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