I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
