do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
