True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
