Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
