I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
