my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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