I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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