Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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