if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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