I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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