M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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