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Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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