please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
