Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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