I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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