I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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