I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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