time to smoke my breakfast
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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