highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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