I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
