You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
