oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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