His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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