It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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