My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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