how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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