Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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