I'd wear matching sweaters with you
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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