a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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