I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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