I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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