My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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