I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
