is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She tied me up with her honor cords...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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