Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
