before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
