you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
