Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
