eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
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Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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