Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
