My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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