i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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