If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
