I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize