masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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