I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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