you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
