oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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