We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
