Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
